Honest is the best policy, right? Right. Because denial really didn't get me far.

Yes it's a cliche. Yes millions of people make resolutions every January 1. But really, this isn't about it being a New Year. No, for me, this is about wanting to turn 40 stronger and healthier than I've ever been.

Christmas was a gong show of gluttony. Food was everywhere so I just grazed and grazed for two weeks. I ate when I knew full, when I wasn't hungry. I shoveled food into my mouth because it was there even when I knew it was not only bad for me but it didn't even taste that great. And now here I am about 10 lbs heavier than I was when I travelled south for the holidays. That means I'm 10 lbs further from my goal. Urgh.


For years I've been in denial telling myself that I'm at least fit and strong; even going so far as saying "there are skinny people who can't do what I do." Yea, okay maybe there are but so what? You're still fat. You're still a woman's size 16. You're still well over 200 lbs (I haven't yet decided if I can openly admit to my true weight yet...it's not easy). You still jiggle when you run. And your upper arms wobble like a turkey's chin. Don't get me wrong, there are things about myself I love...my eyes, my hair, my lips, my laugh, etc., etc. But I have this tendency to look in the mirror and skim over the parts I don't like. I don't take the time to really look at my body and it's about time I did.

I don't get it though, I know what I have to do but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's been my approach to weight loss and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere. So need to change my approach. I need to stop trying to do it on my own and accept the fact that I have to get help from family, friends, my doctor, strangers, whatever.

And though I know no one reads this blog it is my way to admit to the world that I have to make a change. I need to say my goals out loud to make myself achieve them. So here we go:

1. Lose 50 to 60 pounds
2. Run another 10k on May 28
3. Train for a half-marathon
4. Do 20 chin ups
5. Turn 40 feeling better about myself than I have ever have before

I think it's all achievable. Now all I need to do is set out my plan on how achieve these things and the first stop is tackling goal #1. Urgh. Of course that's the hardest one isn't it?

Excuse me but how cold is it really?

It's a brutally cold here in Alberta and it sucks. For heaven's sake it's only November! If we have to go through five more months of -20s and snow storms I'm going to go bonkers. My plan was to keep running outdoors until it dropped to these very temperatures. Now that we're there it just plain sucks!! Heck, even for the -10s I'm not prepared, I thought I had more time!! I need grips for my shoes, a balaclava, a winter jacket, better hat....sigh. Guess I'm relegated to the gym now.

So what else has been happening? Not much. Lots of work, some working out, hanging with friends, and ongoing disappointment with eHarmony. Yea, I joined an online dating site and it isn't going all that well. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but so far only one man has initiated any contact. And before you say anything I sent emails to more than a few men with no replies. Is it my profile? Is it my pictures? I don't know but I'm thinking it's money ill spent. At least I tried something new!

Anyway, the one man who emailed me seems interesting enough but he uses poor grammar and you have no idea how that drives me nuts. Yes, I know we all make mistakes (I likely made a few here) but this is just bad. I should never compare my quirks to others but you'd think he'd spell check before sending a note. Maybe it's just me.

Here's the shallow side of me coming out...what will win this guy bonus points is that he's English, a lawyer and has a dog. If I had a check list, which I don't, I'm sure those items would be on it!! Sucky part is he lives three hours away but given where I live I don't have much of a choice do I? I'm interested anyway, which says a lot because I'm often not (defense mechanism).

Part of me still fancies a certain palaeontologist though...

Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess

How ridiculous is that statement? Shouldn't I start a workout program with a positive, healthy image of myself? Wouldn't it make more sense for me to feel good about who I am so I have strength to face the testosterone filled weight room in my gym? Frankly, shouldn't I already consider myself a goddess? And you know what? I think I already do to be honest.

I'm not a size 6, hell I'm not even a size 12. My clothing ranges from a size 14 to 16 depending on the day (or rather the week leading up to that day). And though I have moments of self-doubt, self-loathing, and every other kind of self-depreciating emotion, I kind of think I'm beautiful. In fact, if we were to compare myself to any of the ancient goddesses I'd be right up there with Athena, Venus, Freya, Aphrodite, etc., etc. Yes, I am curvy but I think I look pretty good. And as I get more fit I believe others are coming around to my way of thinking.

But to get back to the weight lifting book I'm reading that is touting the "Lift Like a Man..." line. It's called The New Rules of Weight Lifting for Women and it seems okay. I'm not one to run out and try every diet. AH! Actually, I find the thought of any diet (restrictive diet that is) kind of silly. If I was to cut out every carb or sugar from my daily life forever I would be so nasty that my friends would hold me down and force feed me a slice of white bread within a week. This kind of lifestyle is not for me...I know it isn't so why would I try if I know I'm going to fail.

Alright, I know someone out there is saying "well with that defeatist attitude why do anything at all.: well Mr. or Mrs. Smartypants if you care to read on I'm actually looking for a way to find balance in my life. I'm not a junk food freak and I can't remember the last time I went through a drive-through--not my thing. But every so often, and probably too often, I binge. I'm a binger. I'm not a purger though and that, in my mind, means I only have to fight half that battle. If I binged and purged then there are bigger issues. At least this way I only have to tackle one of the two issues.

The next rational question is then, why do I binge? I had a great childhood and my family loves me. I wasn't abused, or forgotten, or neglected. I have many friends who love me and would drop everything to help me (this speaks to quality of life which we'll talk about another time).  So what is the root of this evil? Easy, peasy...I'm alone and bored. I'm a bored eater. I graze when I am home alone with nothing to do.

Okay, I've identified the cause, now fix it! Not so easy but this blog is part of my strategy...so too is canceling my cable (this option also helps solve my financial problem...again, probably a topic for a future blog). I'm taking little steps to keep my mind and my hands busy in the evenings. All I can do is one thing at a time and hopefully I'll find something that works.

Bugger...I just realized I went on some sort of defensive rant and didn't talk about the weight lifting book I mentioned earlier. Perhaps I'll safe that for tomorrow night...

Musing's of a Curly Haired Singelton

I've tried this before...this blog thing. And I go strong for a few entries but end up getting bored or suffering from writer's block within a couple of months. But there's no harm in trying again is there?

So what's the difference this time? What makes me think I can keep the blog alive this go around? I don't know but frankly, I've been feeling the need to write/type my thoughts down for a while and though I can always go the old fashion route and use a traditional journal handwritting everything (using one of the dozen of half-empty journals laying around my apartment), where is the fun in that? I don't look nearly as obnoxious writing in a plain black leather journal as I do typing frantically on my fancy little MacBook with a latte beside me. Why pay a couple thousand for this gadget if I don't get to annoy people? Psha. Seriously people?

And what, pray tell, will I bore random readers with (because I sure don't think I'll be sharing this with any of my friends or colleagues)? Oh you know, the usual stuff like:

• My poor attempts at training for the St. John's Tele-Ten (a ten mile race)
• A few rants on my weight training (Train like a man, look like a goddess...who doesn't love that title?)
• The typical weight loss stuff
• My pathetic little love live which is sadly starting to resemble a sitcom 
• And general musings on life, work, friendship, blah, blah, blah

My enthusiasm is strong tonight but I think I may have to ease back on wanting to share my life situation for another night...don't want to front-load the whole thing do I?

Ohh...the new Sherlock Holmes is on PBS tonight...luverly...